Thank you very, very much for you e-mail. I have thought about it a lot, and will reply in series to what you wrote.

thanks for all the news. with whom are you mostly spending time? Lynn? Angela?

Believe it or not, I don't spend time "mostly" with anyone, now. I speak to Lynn maybe once a month, and Angela is in great pain, still hankering after a man who hasn't spoken to her in two years. Seems like a "safe" infatuation. [The second man she dated after me.]

I am "seeing" a Jewish woman nearer my age whom I find very likable, but it now looks as though she is not able to commit or to bond to anyone -- me included. Seems like a "safe" infatuation on my part, no? and I am on the point of ending it, or allowing it to drift off into nonexistence. Actually, my two years with Marilyn were probably my happiest and the clearest sign I can "bond."

I guess you knew all/most of the people (above) whom I named. And I am sorry -- now -- that you got to see a lot of what may have seemed to be "dirty laundry" when you were growing up. It must have been hard to understand and you must have had to make your own sense out of it. The "truth" may have been different, however, from what you saw, or thought you saw.

For example, I was struck one summer when you were in a Parks Department program, and I was doing a painted mural with your group. A rainbow. The leader -- your counselor -- was a tall, thin WASPy blonde who was quite attractive. I worked with her professionally, but one day, you came up to me and said, "Dad, please don;t have an affair with her while I am in the summer program."

What you didn't know was that I didn't plan to "have an affair" and never did. She was quite young, and was in a subordinate position to me, which is a "no -no." But I learned what was on your mind.

I, also, had trouble "bonding" after your Mom and I split -- bonding in a serious, mature way. Partly, I did not want to go through another marriage in the way I had gone through the one I was in. More than that, I didn't want to go through another divorce. But I did want companionship. Many single parents are hurt and lonely and trying to cope and manage. And we do things which in retrospect seem, well, sad.

So I think -- on looking back -- that I got involved with a series of selfish and immature people -- and I was one of them -- and we did what we could. I consciously felt that I was entitled to some companionship and that this would reduce some of my anger (anger at the "failed" marriage, at myself too). If I did not have this companionship, I reasoned, I would not be as "good" a parent as I mighght/should have Ben. Pretty self-serving philosophy, isn't it ?

Actually, I feel that I was kinda mediocre as a parent. Could have done better, much better. I did the basics, but not too many of the important "extras." Which are not really extras. I regret this, and I am sorry.

I apologize, and hope you have been able to understand some of the difficulties that I was under, and to forgive some of my thoughtless, and selfish actions, to the extent which you can. However, there are things I did, and more things I should have done but didn't, that I can't expect you to either understand or to forgive. They may be regretful and sad, but I must take responsibility for these actions of mine. In effect, you, and your brothers, did not get a fair deal from your parents. This I know and it lives with me at all times, particularly my part.

When I decided to go to the commune and not remain with your Mom -- I vowed that I would make the following happen:

a)   This would prove to be the better thing for you and your brothers
b)   This might work out better for me
c)    And if it was better for Myrna, that would be an added benefit.

And I am trying as best as I know how. Our trip to Petra meant a lot to me, as I wanted to be closer to you and I felt that you permitted that to happen to a greater extent on that trip than previously. I thank you for allowing that to happen. It meant -- and means, and will always mean a lot to me. That you allowed us to be together for those few days. I guess you took a risk. I hope it worked out well for you.

I do not think that the best place for a young boy of six years of age to grow up would have been under my care, under the care of who I was at the time, but that is what we were faced with (largely due to the decisions I took). If you have resentments from that period, you have (unfortunately) earned them, and they will (unfortunately) remain with you for a long time. They can't be "wished" away and I am not asking you to try to do the impossible, or even the difficult. I have no right to.

A lot of "crap" happened on "my watch" and I am responsible for my share of it, which is large. Hopefully, and with G-d's help, you can find a way to deal with it. And I will be there, and I offer my help to the extent that would be of service to you. [And we would both benefit.]

Right now, there is little more important to me than my three sons, my two daughters-in-law and my six grandchildren. If I had been as loving towards you three back then as I feel towards all eleven now (and still counting) things would have been a lot better for all of us.

And because I spent most time (alone) with you, and because I felt I bonded most deeply with you, and because you are still not as settled as you might be, my heart goes out, especially, Nicky, to you. Whether you know this, or feel it, or not. I think you and I have been at such a distance for the past several years precisely because we were, at one time, the closest.

I remember, and shall never forget, the surprise birthday party you gave for me. Thinking of it, even today, still fills me with such a shocked surprise of amazed delight that I can almost not believe it ! It was far and wide, without any doubt the best birthday I had ever, or could ever or will ever have. Perhaps I never thanked you -- a small boy who changed his summer plans to do this wonderful thing for his Dad -- who showed more love for his family and me than I perhaps ever showed for you.

So I thank you now, profoundly. I have learned much from you, and your brothers, let me tell you. I am an undeservedly lucky man, and I thank G-d.

I guess your family has horizontally dissapated, but is growing verticallly.

Clever way to put that !

persona non grata is a person hard to find, or am I wrong?

No. Persona non grata is a person who won;t take grated cheese on his/her salad or pizza.

I am doing fine. work at JCT in computers, teaching a bit, and Heb. U.

I understand that taking several jobs is the way many people nowadays, especially in Israel, find work.

I may start to go to a therapist because I believe I am suffering from an inability to commit to another person because of traumas in my childhood. abandonment. My only scepticism is what will the therapy accomplish. I am told that if I can identify my problem and identify how my "buttons are pressed" then I can notice when it happens and say " hey , this person is pressing my buttons. so rather than react as I always do. lets stop and react in a heathy way." So I hope it goes well. Though I am not sure therapy helped either of my parents much. Maybe I am wrong.

Well, that is quite a mouthful, and I suspect it takes some courage to acknowledge what you just wrote, and to do anything about it. And to share it with your Dad. Whew ! ! ! I want to thank y you for that. [It's a sign of your health and strength that you could share it.]

Therapy can, in theory, help. Although "understanding" a problem does not automatically "cure" it or make it go away. On the other hand -- how would it ever even start to "go away" unless you at least recognize it?

By knowing better what's going on, and by raising an unconscious, counterproductive pattern it to the level of consciousness, at least then, it can no longer be "working on you" or be "operative" subconsciously. [But even if it becomes conscious, it may still be very very difficult to stop reacting in the old, perverse way. The old pattern offers some (often hidden) benefits, or emotional gains.]

I also had difficulty committing, and still do. Its a curse many men (and some women) seem to share.

Wish me luck.

I do wish you luck ++ and wisdom and patience, and fortitude, and courage and strength, all of which I believe and know you have in full measure. You persevered through some difficult learning experiences in childhood, learned a new spoken language (how to write backwards may have come easily to you) and computer skills (in the new language) and have made friends and acquaintances.

Bonding is another step, and will come, in time.

I will tell you more about it when I feel ready to.

I can't expect more than that. You have already been very generous with me, and I feel "choked up" and regretful at my past mistakes but still hopeful, and respectful of your insightfulness, proud of who you are, and of whom you are struggling to become.

Please forgive me for running on so, but what you have said is so bittersweet and poignant, yet full of hope for the future !

May Hashem bless you and keep you. May he turn His countenance toward you and be gracious to you. May He shine His face on you always, and grant you Peace.

Much love, always ++ Dad