He felt the ideas were amusing, but of a sarcastic-pornographic nature, so he wasn’t sure they would amuse Marilyn anyway. They satirized the public’s prurient interest in the Clinton/Lewin- sky matter. One idea (which was in his head on arising) was to show native American women nude, like National Geographic’s pictures women of pre-literate societies, but in “natural modern American” settings. A blouse-less woman, for example, frying sausages on the stove. Another, seated on a flying saucer. These would become the subject of a new American weekly magazine, and the name in his head was “NUDESWEEK.” Another was, “TIME,” above the dog line, “To Show White Women Nude,” (or “TIME: To Show Nude Women White.”) [Or, “To Snow White Women.”] These seemed like trenchant social satire depicting the deteriorating morals in the country. Probably adolescent.

Finding a pad to write the dream on, Phillip happened across a page on which some weeks ago Marilyn had written of her throat pain and laryngitis -- written because speaking was too painful. She has been coughing for a month or so, takes medication, but still the cough persists. Phillip felt bad, but knew Marilyn was to call her doctor back that day, and wanted to show her the note, so she could read it to the doctor, to show how long this problem had persisted.

After writing up his dream ideas, Phillip sat down to watch C-Span. It featured a guy explaining how opinion polls were set up. He was interested, and the presentation was quite good.

Quietly, and without any noise, Marilyn then appeared --

(and she just appeared again, as Phillip was typing this -- without noise, startling him slightly. “Why doesn’t she let me know when she comes into the room?” he thought. But he said hello and kept on typing)

-- and sat down (previously) in her rocking chair. She asked, “Did you have any dreams?” She looks at many of Phillip’s dreams -- he records them but he has the impression they sometimes worry her. So he hesitated, because, he believes she is not as interested in salacious material as he is and may worry about such “dreams.” She had been upset in the past when he would point out weirdly dressed women in the street. Or, when Phillip might be alone for a few hours, she might say, “Did you call up your former girl friends? -- JUST A JOKE!!!” (So he tries to minimize these subjects.)

Phillip told her his ideas were “pornographic,” probably caused by all the TV material about the Clinton tapes (which they saw last night). Marilyn did not respond, but glanced at the TV. Phillip thought, “Why is she checking the television?” He tried to explain the humor in his news magazine idea, while feeling that he had put her on edge (closing the door etc.).

He was also concerned that she has not been sleeping well, has been coughing on and off these past two/three weeks, and also that it was almost too late to attend the Rosh Hashanah services at the synagogue. (Called for 8:30 AM, and it was already 10:30 AM.) Marilyn then asked Phillip, why did his voice sound sharp? Phillip did not realize his voice sounded sharp. He thought, “Did it? Should I go into this?” He wondered what was going on. First, Marilyn “floated” into the room, without kissing him, and asks if he had had a dream. But, when she hears the dream was “pornographic,” she drops the subject and checks out the television. Then she questions what she hears as a “sharpness” in his voice.

[As Phillip was writing this, Marilyn came by, grew irritated, got dressed and left the house, upset. Phillip dressed and followed her. She went to Wash Sq. Park. Phillip sat almost out of sight. After 30 minutes she saw him and came over. Her mascara was smeared. They talked -- rather, he did -- she had little to say. She said things like,“ How can you be with somebody who acts crazy?” Phillip said, “I try to see things in a ‘symmetrical way’ -- we both present problems.” She said, “There’s no point in staying here....I didn’t come to New York to make you angry.”

[Phillip said that he knew that, and, if she wanted to leave, he would not make her stay; but he wanted to know where -- how she was going. She varied between blaming him, “Why can’t you just accept me?” to blaming herself, “How can you stand to be with somebody who’s always saying the wrong thing?” (Or, perhaps, was this an accusation against him, not self-blame? Or, maybe, she was “fishing” for reassurance?) Phillip said the relationship was okay, not ecstatic, but acceptable. She said she really didn’t feel good about leaving, since they had invited people over for dinner Sunday -- and Tomas was to stay in the apartment in January -- and, also, they had tickets to Israel in October. Phillip asked, was it only these obligations that kept her here? He suggested she was evading discussing the underlying issues, really wanted to stay, but couldn’t justify why.

At this, Marilyn got up to walk out again. Insulted? Angry? Hurt? Bitter? Phillip sat there, exasperated that she would run away (again) instead of trying to figure things out. He said, “Okay, but do you have a key to the apartment?” She produced her key, then threw it to him, turned and walked off. Her action was tantamount to saying she wasn’t going to return to the apartment. Where would she go? Phillip followed her again. She went to the bank and took out $1,000.00. (Meanwhile Phillip took out $100.00 from a MAC.) He approached her and said, if she were leaving, she should take some clothing etc. and reveal her destination. He said he would have to inform her parents. She said she wanted to have some soup and offered to buy him lunch, with her “$1,000.00” They had lunch. She had little to say. He got the feeling that he controlled -- was responsible for -- the relationship. Then they walked home together.

Marilyn said that she had tried everything! PMS tea, therapy, Prozac etc. etc. Phillip asked why didn’t she try prayer? She shot back, “What should I pray for, that you stop being crazy?” Phillip said, “It’s a jolt that after all this religious study and conversion you have to ask what to pray for.”

There are ritual prayers, such as ‘Protect me against malicious slander,’ and, ‘Prevent people wreaking evil upon me,’ that she could use. Phillip said, he believed that she thought he slandered her often, and, even though he doesn’t think he does, if she thinks that, she should protect herself. At least protect herself from her own thoughts.

Probably, this suggestion hurt, even if it were only partly true. But what was Phillip to do? The number of things he has suggested to her, is already lengthy. Have they helped? Does she want his suggestions? (Most recently, he had bought her a book called, “The Choosing to Forgive Workbook.”) They went home, and she lay down and went to sleep. (Emotionally drained? Physically exhausted? Depressed?) Phillip too, was agitated. At 1:00 he monitored his pulse: 118/Minute. He took 1/2 of a Zanac pill. At 2:00 his pulse was 104/M; at 2:30 -- 98/M.

While Marilyn slept, Phillip returned to finish the narrative, above: it had ended with the words, “Then she questions what she hears as a “sharpness” in his voice.” At this juncture, Phillip had answered maybe he sounded “sharp” 1) because she had startled him slightly by appearing so suddenly and quietly, 2) or, because, he felt uneasy at having told her he had had a “pornographic” dream. Because, he thought, women in general, and Marilyn in particular, don’t seem to like “smut.” And, 3) because he was concerned that he had found a page with her note about her cough of a month ago ... but it was undated. The page was significant, he said, as Marilyn was still coughing. She was planning to call Dr. Buckberg back that day, he reminded her, and was concerned that she still had found no relief to the cough (on top of everything else). Surely the page might be useful, but more so if it had a date.

This explanation did not have the desired effect of calming Marilyn down (e.g.: that if Phillip were “on edge” it was 1) because he had been startled, 2) he blamed himself for closing the doors part-way, thus making her suspicious, and, 3) he was worried and concerned that her medical problem of the throat was still not cured. She grew alarmed (cried out?) how could he blame her just for failing to put a date on a paper she wrote a month ago?!?! She did not understand how he could blame her for this. He told her he was not blaming her, was merely concerned that because as there was no date, it wouldn’t as fully substantiate the seriousness of the illness. But it was too late. She felt accused and abused. He was mystified why she was accusing him of “accusing” her of forgetting to write down the date. What did it all mean? Probably she could remember the date if she tried to. But could each of them “forget” the incident?

Probably, other untoward words were said. Anyway, Marilyn went into the kitchen to put water on to boil, and next glassware started to break. Then, she grew agitated, stormed out shaking her arms in the air, went into the bedroom, but evidently couldn’t find a blouse because she threw hangers with clothes on them to the floor, pulled the closet light string so hard it broke, and generally raised a ruckus. She felt, no doubt, bitter frustration and rage. She started looking for her purse, money, etc. Phillip found her sun glasses (which she has mislaid in the past) and put them into his shirt pocket. This gave him time to “SAVE” his typing, to put on his shoes, to get his plastic cards and keys and to follow her out. (See page two, above.)

They never got to go to the Rosh Hashanah services.